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Hypertext Guide to Visualization and Awareness ProcessesRobert A. Yourell, LMFT |
This guide
is intended to assist you in having
more peace of mind, handling challenging situations, and improving relationships. It uses hypertext
so you can zip around among the items and find what matches your
needs.
You can easily download this and use it off-line. On
most browsers: File, Save As, then pick the directory and give it a name. When you are
off-line, in your browser do File, Open, and select the file. It will work just like
on-line, only it will load much faster.
The Initial Menu ends here. Please select one of the above three options.
Most people are surprised to find how much they can get for so little effort, when it comes to getting in the right state of mind to meet a challenge or just feel better. In twenty four years of involvement in various body mind practices (link to my bio for more on that), I've picked up and developed lots of useful inner tools. This file has a bunch of my favorites. I have shared them with many clients, and many feel such methods give them more independence in handling problems.
The topics are linked in a way that allows you to move around the article (hypertext) based on your interests.
Of course, this is no substitute for competent therapy (maybe for incompetent therapy, though.) But all of these mind-delicacies can at some point give a boost to therapy, or stand alone if you don't need therapy. If you start using a number of the techniques and look into the section on the Methods Behind the Techniques, you'll begin to discover how they weave together and strengthen each other into a valuable way of being.
Chill: Calm down.
Psych: Get motivated and confident (as in psyched) for what's coming up.
Zap: Be ready to learn, focus, concentrate.
Lift: Elevate your spirits.
Zone: Beyond relaxation, you're in the zone.
Grow: Accelerate your maturation to handle something better next time.
Love: Well, even you can be more loving. Check it out, I bet you'll be surprised.
Poise: Experience balance. A good place to start, wherever you are.
I'm just too upset.
I don't feel ready for a situation coming up, OR I want to
change a pattern in my relationship or my life.
There's this person I find upsetting. (Conflict, bad
chemistry.)
I feel like hurting myself.
This problem needs creative thinking.
Energy Work: It's amazing what you can feel when you know where to find it.
Imagery Work: Your mind speaks a language you reeeealy need to understand.
Super Talk: Most people need their alignment checked--we talk to ourselves on multiple levels. They'd better all be on the same team, or else.
Holistic Stuff & Common Sense: Why eat sprouts if you don't wear a safety belt?
Mental Rehearsal: Sooo much for so little. You really can dramatically improve your thinking, emotional response, behavior and relationships, people do it all the time...as in really successful people.
Sound Recordings: Allies for Mastering Inner Space
Wacky Stuff: Too unusual to post without trying to convince you it isn't as crazy as it looks.
The Secondary Menu Ends Here. It's best to start from the initial menu.
Super Talk When Bent: Learn the best ways to talk to yourself to calm down.
Energy Work Points: Try a technique for the ancient east.
Peace Recording: Float in a sound space.
Checklist for a Lift: Holistic common sense to build a foundation for composure, objectivity and a positive headspace.
Focusing for Poise: Another popular mental process that helps your brain hemispheres become allies and to relax into a resourceful state of mind.
Basic Chi Kung Posture for Poise: A method of balancing energy from Asia.
Problem: I Don't Feel Ready for a Situation Coming
Up
OR: I Want to Change this Pattern in my Relationship or my Life
Psych with Mental Rehearsal: The stakes are too high to improvise. Program in the ideal behavior and body mind response. If I could only use one of these techniques for the rest of my life, this would be the one (but that would be cheating because it is actually a combination.)
Awesome Alignment with Super Talk: Don't let the parts of your personality pull you in different directions. Align yourself and develop a way to persuasively talk your vision.
Zap for Verbal Virtuosity via Echo: This one is for jump starting your verbal brain resources for situations such as oral exams, interviews, and testimony.
Problem: There's a person I find upsetting. (Conflict, Bad Chemistry.)
Grow by Rehabilitating Your Inner Critic: When self esteem goes up, you bad chemistry quotient goes down.
Empathy Workout: It's amazing how other people's subconscious minds shift when you have a certain powerful kind of empathy.
Modifying the Behavior of an Irritating Person: Go ahead, experiment on them using this tried-and-true method.
Zone with Body Mind Breathing: Ahhhhh.
Zone Your Brainwaves: Ahhhhh.
Problem: I feel like hurting myself.
This is too touchy to rely on an article or software. Talk to a trained human being. Call the telephone information operator for a hotline number, or call your community's social service department, or call The United Way for recommendations, or call the mental health benefit number if you have health insurance, if you have a therapist, page them and put a plan together.
It is self-destructive to stay isolated. Talk to people with a sincere interest in creating a plan you can follow. When people are feeling destructive, they may not yet know the difference between playing games and sincerely seeking help. You need more than attention, you need a plan. Don't just get attention, get a plan of action that includes you.
Problem: This problem needs creative thinking.
Zapping Brainstorming Elicit more of your creative resources.
This site uses chill to mean something less than totally zoning out (see "zone" for that), and something deeper that kicking with the TV. Chill is what you do when you're either upset, or just want to deeply relax. It's a good step to take before zoning.
If you read the section on self-talk, you know I'm not going to tell you a nice affirmation like, "I'm calm, I'm calm, gawddammit I'M CALM!!!"
Chill Technique: Self Talk When You're, Bent, Torqued, Freaked or Basically Upset:
For starters, it's not what you say, but what you don't say. If you take a peek behind
your emotions, you'll notice some rather dimly lit thoughts that are helping to drive you
to distraction. The most powerful ones are usually pretty irrational. Ask yourself what
you're upset about, then ask why that is unacceptable. Keep asking until you get to the
most core fear or loss of control that you can get to. the more irrational it is the
better.
If it is rational, try this: Focus on what prevents you from
handling the situation according to your highest potential or integrity. Here's an example
thought that contributes to emotional escalation: "I can't stand this!" Unless
you are about to lose consciousness or be permanently physically damaged, you can stand
it.
Think about the thoughts you have identified as above. Think
about the facts that best show the thoughts you have identified to be untrue. Example:
"I can stand this. I'm here, I'll be here tomorrow." Then start asking
questions about your resources. How can I get myself balanced so I can think clearly? How
can I buy time, so I don't make any irrational decisions? When do I REALLY have to do
something about this, to avoid a REAL problem? What are the highest goals I could pursue
in a constructive state of mind?
One way to get at the thoughts that amp up your upset state is to
ask yourself what rules you expect other people or situations to follow. How are they
breaking your rules. Example: My girlfriend MUST NOT talk to good looking guys. If she
does, I have the right to get upset and give her a hard time." Well, far be it from
me to take away your rights, but try this. Ask yourself what kind of creative
problem-solving you'd be doing if you weren't pouring your precious energy into a drama?
For more info and resources on managing your thoughts, see the section on The Methods Behind the Techniques: Self Talk.
Whether you think it's imaginary, emotional, neurological, or cosmic, energy work is worth exploring and experimenting with. Did you know that twenty million Chinese (according to Bill Moyers in 1994) do Chinese energy work? The processes in this site give you simple things to try out. For some, feeling energy is easy, for others, it takes a while.
Energy Technique: Some Chill Energy Points
Sounds like hoo-doo, but try it. A lot of people like this. When people need to chill, they usually have too much energy in their head and chest. Imagine that you can direct the energy up the front of your body, over your head, down your back, and into your lower back, where it is absorbed and stored. Also, let any additional energy move down into the back of your knees, which are also said to be storage areas. Take a couple minutes to explore this, don't expect instant results. You may get better at this with practice.
For more info and resources on energy work, see the section on The Methods Behind the Techniques: Energy Work.
Sound and Brainwaves
When you listen to or watch something that pulses at a typical brain frequency, you brain tends to get into synch with it. This is called the frequency following response. This can be used to promote relaxation, creativity, focused concentration, enhanced visualization and other purposes. It is even being used by professionals to improve problems such as learning disabilities.
Technique: Chill Your Brainwaves
Listen to a tape with relaxing brainwave frequencies. The Peace recording is that type of tape. This isn't just a Band-Aid. It's a way to practice relaxing, and to get better at it.
For more on brainwave sounds, see the section on The Methods Behind the Techniques: Sound.
Sometimes you gotta get psyched...when you don't feel like you can. These techniques just might psych you up. When it comes to getting psyched, it's usually a good idea to get balanced first. See the Poise methods for more on this. Also, the mental rehearsal starts with some balancing by bringing the best feelings for the mental rehearsal to the foreground of your mind and body. To enhance your performance further, see the "Zap" techniques.
Technique: Psyching with Rehearsal
This is a way powerful gimcrack to line up your body and mind to enhance your momentum. Athletes, business people and other successful people commonly use it. I talk about mental rehearsal here and there in this site, so I put the complete instructions for it in the Methods section. The guidelines here tell you how to use those instructions for getting psyched.
When you get in the right state for the rehearsal, the idea is to punch up the feelings that will carry you along and make it smoother. for Psych, the idea is to feel successful feeling as much as possible. Even if you've never had a major success, you've had little ones. Think about how it felt. What words capture the feelings? Also, how would you prefer to feel in the upcoming situation you're getting psyched for? What words match that. Say those words to yourself, and look for ways to amplify those feelings in your body right now.
You probably want to use words like, energized, balanced, charismatic, persuasive, strong, confident, smooth, cheerful, creative, resourceful, steady, etc. etc. Now, now, don't force it. Just fish around for what's there that matches those nice words, and bring it to the foreground. Remember, when you practice something, it doesn't have to be perfect, you get better at it.
While you do the mental rehearsal, as described in the methods section, keep this in mind. This is not about reality, this is about rearranging the way your mind works so it will be more of a resource for you. Having your mind watch the fantasy trains it to be a certain way. If you are not confident about what to say in the rehearsal, turn off the volume and just watch the image. Figure out what to say later and practice it another time in mental rehearsal. At that time, use a script or cues if you like.
In the rehearsal, emphasize your physical and emotional state. The way to do this is to watch yourself, just like watching a movie, and see your body language, movements, expressions, coloring, everything, matching the state you want, as indicated by all those nice words you came up with.
If you are psyching for a physical challenge, add the specific physical actions done to perfection.
In the final step, called The Special Ending, remember that this is mainly to reduce the tendency of the body mind to be alarmed about challenges. Turning off this excess alarm will probably improve your ability to handle the situation. You'll think more clearly and channel your energy more directly. By having a special ending, your subconscious will start to think you aren't in physical danger. See yourself getting what you wanted in the situation, and make it really extreme. Not only do you get the sale or the gold medal, but everyone jumps to their feet, applauds and shouts. Hey, why stop there, have God do a guest appearance to commend you for your fine performance.
Go for it! Mental Rehearsal Step-by-Step.
Technique: Super Talk for Awesome Alignment
I LOVE this one! It's a great example of getting a lot for a little effort. In this technique, you learn to organize your motives so that when it comes time to present your opinions, feelings, pitch or whatever, you'll sound good. It also connects your words with your feelings and values for full alignment to enhance your momentum.
First, think about the situation where you'll have to express yourself. Now do a brain dump. That is, spill out all your thoughts about it into a recorder, onto paper or into thin air. Keep going for a while until you're really done. Remember to express your irrational or stupid thoughts as well. I won't tell anybody.
Now do it again, but this time leave out some of the less necessary or less central stuff. You'll naturally tend to be a little more organized as well.
Now do it again, but this time leave out some of the less necessary or less central stuff. You'll naturally tend to be a little more organized as well.
Yes, I meant to do that. Keep doing that until you boil it down into a slogan. That's a few words with punch. Not even a complete sentence. (I call this distilling.)
Now you know what you have? A springboard, a fulcrum, a foundation, a mixed metaphor. Oops, a mixed metaphor is what I have. Anyway, when you get to the slogan, you have a focused place to improvise from. If you have trouble staying with your own message or getting thrown off track by other people, then this will help you.
Notice this other wonderful thing. Didn't that help you connect with the most important, inspiring, productive, or powerful feelings you have on the subject? Pick the feelings that the people you will be communicating with will find most meaningful. Connect those feelings with the words as you speak. Project those feelings as you speak. Project them from a place deep in your gut (keep the energy low, smooth, and subtly powerful. No intimidation, now, just the power of resolve and clarity. Big difference.)
Let's do it one better. What are the values driving you to express this message? The why behind the why. The values that probably sound corny when you say them directly. Let them shape the way you communicate. Let them help drive your emotional back up.
Finally, where is this communication supposed to take us? Link in the vision that says, "let's go here." What is most compelling about the vision? State it in those terms.
Now you have a full message. Focused. Passionate. Valuable. Visionary. Even if its about something small, practice having all four components in your communication.
For more on super talk, see The Methods Behind the Techniques: Super Talk.
Technique: Homework
Yikes! Don't forget to take time for this. Think it through. Have you done everything you need to prepare? Do you have all the info? Do you have a flow chart in you mind of the different possibilities, plan A, B, C and D? Do you have a "solution after next" (the goal beyond the immediate goal)? Oh, good. Just checking!
This is about getting into a performance state more directly and specifically than "psych." Like with psych, it may be helpful to do a Poise technique first, if you aren't feeling in good balance for this.
Technique: Zap Your way to Verbal Virtuosity via EchoThis is going to sound crazy. But try it and see for yourself. The technique is for getting Verbal. It's great to do just before an oral exam, giving a deposition or speech, etc. It is designed to jump start your verbal brain functions. It gets bonus points for helping you practice other aspects of presentation in the form of "personality yoga," as I will explain. It's an orthopedic hat for the verbally stuck.
For at least five minutes, listen to a fast paced verbal program on the TV or radio (like the news.) Echo back every word you can. If you get lost, stop, listen and pick it back up again. Keep going! It's even better if you use a shock jock like Rush Limbaugh. Sorry, here's a flight bag. Yes, I know, Limbaugh's alleged bombastic pathological lying is totally documented. That's not the point. He has a good range of pitch, and a varying rhythm and dynamics (musician-speak for changes in volume) that emphasize key words. With somebody like him, you not only fire up your verbal energy, but also practice these three key presentation skills. Such a deal!
Another angle on this is that this little exercise let's you spend time in a state of total non self-censoring. It drops you right into the here-and-now, where there's no time to think. Get used to it, because as you become more confident about what you want to say (see the Awesome Alignment technique in the "Super Talk" Department, for more on that) you will also be able to speak more confidently and spontaneously as you ad lib from that here-and-now headspace. (Personality yoga, like I said.)
I hope this gives a sense of the way these techniques can network into a mutually reinforcing means of personal development?
For more on Wacky Techniques, see The Methods Behind the Techniques: Techniques to Wacky to Post Without an Explanation.
Technique: Zapping Brainstorming
When you needs to handle a problem creatively, you may need to brainstorm. Especially when you feel that you are straining your brain, or that you are only working with your logical, conscious mind. Many of the big breakthroughs happen because people know how to get into a state of mind that uses their "right hemisphere" resources. This is the aspect of your mind that thinks abstractly without much use of words. It may not solve the problem by itself, but it can you expand your perspective.
Using the UpLevel or other alternating bilateral tape with this process can be very helpful. WARNING: Don't do any relaxation or awareness exercises, including the following one if you have a mental health diagnosis or if you have any discomfort doing deep relaxation or awareness work, or if you suspect you have experienced psychological trauma that is not resolved, until you have done such work with the help of a professional and have come to feel comfortable with it.
Step 1. Think of the problem. Tell your mind that instead of struggling for a solution, it is simply going to explore the problem in order to bring in more resources for processing.
Step 2. Ask yourself what state of body and mind would be the best to experience the problem with. Get this state going at least a bit, by saying words to yourself such as, relaxed, creative, enjoying, exploring...
Step 3. Think about what your life might be like if you had solved the problem. Simply let ideas, words, feelings, images or scenes come to mind that you might come across in a life in which this problem was solved.
Step 4. Think about the negative way the problem feels (perhaps like something stuck in your life or body or mind.) If possible, get a physical sense of this stuckness or other feeling in your body. Place your mind in this area of your body and simply hang out there, with no expectations.
Step 5. After a little while, breathe into the area, relaxing it. If any feelings emerge, imagine that you can circulate them through your body.
Step 6. Ask your mind to generate words, ideas, feelings, images or scenes that have something to do with the problem and solutions or ways to solve it. Watch any response unfold with an absolutely uncritical, open frame of mind. Just observe and keep letting go so that more of these things will pass through your mind. Let them just float through.
Step 7. When your ready, finish the exercise by focusing on your here-and-now surroundings. Do a little stretching to get back into feeling your body. Make sure you're really alert before cutting or using machinery or driving.
Technique: Brainwaves to Zap With
Did you know there's a frequency that you can hear that tends to pump up your sense of focus and motivation for verbal expression, tedious work, and other tasks requiring you to be alert? (Oh gawd, sommmmbody stop me, it's another commercial!) Take a look ad Procrastination Buster, if you want to know more.
Feeling down? When people say that, the meaning ranges from depression that needs therapy or medication, to having trouble getting motivated. For this section, let me give you a kind of check list. Look at it and ask yourself if you have all the bases covered. Feeling down often has to be approached from a holistic mindset.
Technique: Use a Professional for a Lift?
Could you be clinically depressed? (Needing therapy or medication.) If you have any doubt, a therapist who works with depression could help you decide on what to do about it. If you go to a psychiatrist, there's a possibility that they will be too gung how about meds, so I suggest seeing a licensed therapist first, unless you're sure you need meds. To get a referral for someone with a good reputation and a real specialty in depression, you might call an EAP (see the yellow pages under employee assistance programs, and ask a clinical staff person or director for suggestions. Other referral sources include related support groups (the United Way may have a list), and doctors (including psychiatrists).
Techniques: Get Your Body Mind Tuned Up for a Long-Term Lift
Below, you'll find a collection of techniques based on the importance of balanced health. Are you getting the exercise, ultra violet or full spectrum light, nutrition, and other goodies a body needs? Sometimes people think in the short term (I need a lift) when they should be thinking in the long term (I need a lifestyle tune up so my body will increasingly support me in feeling good.)
Technique: Any Chemicals or Foods Stealing Your Lift?
According to a survey, 60% of those who said they had a bad reaction to the artificial sweetener Nutra Sweet (Aspertame), got depressed. How many people are out there feeling depressed, and not realizing its because of Aspertame or some other chemical they are sensitive to?
Everybody's body reacts in it's own way to foods and chemicals. Some are more unique than others (that's called biochemical individuality.) If you want to learn more about how food or chemical sensitivities may have a role in depression or other problems, there are books that your local health food store or holistic practitioner can recommend, and there is info on the net. (Sorry, no links on this yet in this site.)
Therapists are finding that sensitivities to foods or chemicals can undo successful therapy, and may cause many mental symptoms.
Technique: Maintain Lift by Surfing Your Cycles
Do you have a drop in energy in the afternoons? As in, after lunch? Meals high in carbohydrates (sweets, bread, grains, potatoes) can cause this. (Carbohydrates can help release seritonin, which can make you drowsy.) Try having the carbohydrates more in the morning and evening, with more emphasis on vegetables and some protein at lunch.
Do you have an Ebb and Flow of Physical or Emotional Energy?
I think everyone has a slow mood cycle (if it's extreme, it's called manic depression.) It's a good idea to back off a bit during your down cycle. Use that time to get into more of a healing pace. Don't let negative thoughts cause the down cycle to snowball into depression. (See the various Super Talk methods for more on this.) During your up cycle, swing into more action. But don't push so hard that your down cycle is a crash, or that you set yourself up with grandiose goals that you can't maintain. Keep it steady. These tips are actually part of how people with manic depression cope with it, but I think pretty much everybody should manage their energy cycles.
Technique: A Lift from a Molecule of Hope?
Some people swear by their favorite supplement. Pycnogenol has gained popularity as an energy and mood balancer that does not appear to be a mere stimulant. Blue green algae is another. This is not medical advice, consult with an appropriately trained professional before experimenting with unfamiliar supplements or foods. Unfortunately, some herbs or formulas available over the counter are stimulating or can have side effects that aren't good in the long run. In my opinion, these include ephedra, Herbal Ecstasy, and ma huang. Get educated before you indulge.
Technique: Super Talk may be the Essential Lift
Here's some info to explain how Super Talk can give you a long term lift. Did you know that, for the average person with depression, cognitive psychotherapy is as powerful as medication? (Of course some people don't get anywhere with psychotherapy (even really good psychotherapy) because the depression is so strongly biochemical, or so says conventional clinical wisdom.)
What that means for you, is that (unless you need professional help), work on cognition (basically, how you talk to yourself) may pull you out of the doldrums. Link to the various Super Talk techniques in this file and see which ones look like they might apply to you.
Ahhhh. Zone time. Beyond relaxation, zoning is about getting into a fluid, meditative state. There are scads of techniques for this, from yogic alternate nostril breathing to chaotic meditation (in which people dance and move themselves into a coma. Well, not really a coma.) Anyway, here's one of my personal faves.
By the way, before doing any Zoning, you might want to read the Zoning Department's section on Grounding so you'll know how to be alert after a Zoning exercise. You don't want to work any machinery or sharp objects without being alert.
Zone Technique: Body Mind Breathing Zoning
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out. Oops, wrong exercise. Try this. First breathe slowly and fully. No big effort, just easy. Now scan your body with your mind. Look for a tense area. Imagine that you can put your mind on the tip of an acupuncture needle and slooooowly slip it up against the outer boundary of that tense area. Now begin to melt through that boundary into the tension. Work your way right into the middle of the middle of that tension. The spot where it is the most intense. Keep your mind there. If it wanders, bring it back when you realize it.
Now imagine that every time you inhale, your breathe presses outward to gently spread that tension out a little bit. Each exhale lets some of the tension spread into your body's energy pathways to be recycled as useful energy. Yumm.
After doing this for a while, be aware of the chair (or whatever) pushing up to support you in space. Invite the rest of your body to relax and let the energy flow. Be aware of what your body would look like if it were made of nothing but energy. Notice the most subtle feelings in your body of flow, vibration, warmth, or anything else that's about being alive.
When you're done, be sure you're very alert before cutting or operating any machinery (like a car.)
Zone Technique: Zoning Your Brainwaves
If you like this exercise, you'll probably love it with Personal Journey. This recording can enhance imagery and awareness work of all kinds.
Anything that speeds along your personal maturation process is a Grow thing. And everybody can further their maturation at any age. Of course, those of us who took detours because of abuse, drugs or whatever, have extra motivation to put on the afterburner when it comes to maturation.
Grow Technique: Grow by Rehabilitating the Inner Critic with Self Talk
Listen carefully over the course of a day for your inner critic. You'll recognize it when you notice a voice (or maybe just a feeling) that is harsh, critical, unconstructive, or something like that. Tell that voice that you are changing it's job description. It's job is now to only criticize you in supportive, constructive ways. You already know it wants to do a good job and make good things happen, but that it is going to do a better job of that now.
Tell it to focus your energies on creative ways to enjoy improving. When it gets harsh, take a moment to talk back. Tell it how to talk to you as if you were teaching a child how to have good manners. (Remember, though, that you have to practice what you preach. YOU have to be supportive and constructive to your inner critic or it won't learn. Teach by example.)
For more information and resources on Super Talk, see The Methods Behind the Techniques: Super Talk.
Did you know the average person rates themselves as an above-average driver? That's statistically impossible. Same thing for empathy. Empathy is the ability to really put yourself in another person's shoes. To not only understand their needs, but to care. Most of us aren't as empathic as we give ourselves credit for. We waste our energy on second guessing people by making assumptions about their motives, and on other dramas that stunt our empathy.
You can build empathy, and as a result, have richer relationships and be more attractive.
Technique: Amp Your Love Mojo with an Empathy Workout
This is great for improving relationships that are stuck. Even when you feel your partner is unwilling to change.
(NOTE: If you aren't willing to do empathy work in your relationship, it's probably because you don't want it to get better. Why? Because if it gets better, you might be stuck with someone you don't really like that much--but it wouldn't be bad enough to leave. Listen: either do the empathy work and uplevel your relationship, or get out. There is no in between. Or is it that you don't feel you or your partner have the skills you need. Then see a qualified relationship or marital therapist for gosh sakes. You don't want to go on like this, do you?)
Do this process in your mind before trying it out on a real person. Pick somebody you are in a more or less stuck or negative relationship with. Think of a typical negative interaction you have with them. Now ask yourself the million dollar question: Although this person's attitude or behavior seriously bugs me, what are the highest, most meaningful motives that could possibly be driving their behavior?
Example: "My wife is a slob. She leaves cups in the living room and I end up doing all the cleaning." Wow, just think what a rush you could get if you built up so much resentment that it broke like a wave of energy rippling through your body. Could be better than an orgasm! If, on the other hand, you'd like to have a decent relationship, let's try an experiment, shall we?
Use empathic communication to set the tone for a negotiation with teeth. The teeth are what happens if the other side doesn't fulfill their end of the deal. Most marital negotiation fails to have teeth. Big problem. The other problem is, that if you negotiate with your spouse fairly, you'll have to acknowledge what right about what they're doing. Gee whiz, that could make you feel less powerful. Well, what a crummy way to feel power. How about the power of a rich, mutually supportive relationship? I mean, are you a customer for this, or what?
Step one: (Remember, do this in your mind first!) Review in your mind the defenses your spouse uses when she (in this example, but could be a he) gets defensive about the issue. Let the factually correct aspects of the defenses soak into your reality. Don't let the irritating tone of voice or body language they use, or the inaccurate things they say get in the way. Just get in touch with what's true about what they say.
Step two: What are the best motives you can pull out of their comments and behavior. Even if you have to resort to, "She wants less stress." (I mean, you doing all the house work does mean less stress for them, doesn't it.)
Step three: Proposition (in your mind this time) your partner to negotiate how work will be divided up. But start by acknowledging their smartest, most accurate statements. Don't you DARE say anything to put them on the defensive. If they still get defensive anyway, don't take the blame and don't go on the offense. Just stay on message, like a politician. Then express your understanding of their highest motives. Example: You have been contributing a lot by working overtime and paying attention to the kids. And I know that doing a lot of additional chores would be a big stress with everything going on. But I've been feeling stressed enough that I'd like to re-look at how we divvy up the responsibilities. If you'll help me figure this out, I'd really feel a lot better.
Step four: If they balk (that can be part of this mental rehearsal), you can expose your teeth. Example: "If you can't help me with this, I guess I can divvy up things on my own and let you know what I come up with. I just don't know if you'll be satisfied with the result."
If they agree, be prepared to work the negotiation through. You'll probably want to read a book on negotiation, because there are some really helpful techniques that can help things keep from getting bogged down or too emotional.
Be sure your partner knows what you'll do if they don't live up to the bargain. Think this through in advance and say it in a way that is non-threatening. Example: I want this to be equitable, so if I can't handle all this, then you should be able to relax a little as well. If you need to slack off, let's decide what areas are the least critical to maintain. Let's do the same for me as well, I'd like to let these areas go if we need to slack off. (Pick areas that are less critical to you, but more important to your partner.)
Step five: When your partner tests the negotiation by failing to live up to it, show your teeth. Drop the things you said you'd drop "if we need to slack off."
Step six: When you have their attention, remind them of the negotiation and ask if they feel we need to renegotiate. Note that you may have to compromise the level of household organization you can live with. I mean, you picked this person as a partner, that means they influence your lifestyle. Be realistic about it or hire a housecleaner. If you can't drop your resentment, get help for YOUR pain. (Unless, of course were not just talking lifestyle. If there's something serious, like your partner is addicted to drugs or television, you may need to consult with a therapist who specializes in addiction or whatever the problem is, in order to put together a more sophisticated plan.
Love Technique: Bonus Empathy Challenge: Modifying the Behavior of a Chronically Irritating Person.
Depending on how you look at it, this little ditty could be seen as very empathic, or very manipulative. I suppose it's really both. You can apply the principles from the example below to apply to lots of situations.
Example: "My ex-husband is manipulating me with our children. He has a cow over stupid things, and blames others for his flakiness." OK, if you would like to increase the odds that he will be less of a bug on the windshield of your life, let's try something.
You don't want to get sucked into any more dramas with this person. Take time to note down all the things they can say that cause you to temporarily lose your focus and get sucked in. If this is not the problem, we'll also be focusing on how to work on their problem behaviors using empathic manipulation (no that's not an oxymoron, you'll see.)
Come up with a higher motivation for each of the disturbing behavior they tend to have. This includes upsetting types of things they say as well. Play with this list of higher motives until you frame them in the directions that would be helpful to you. Example: "Your concern over our children's visitation schedule really shows how important they are to you. I respect that. Let's see how we can make this runs as smoothly for us as possible."
Your partner will probably try to make the relationship go back the way it was, by using the typical comments or behaviors you listed. But now, you have a way of framing each one so you mirror back to him a higher motive for everything he does. Eventually, this can have a calming effect, maybe even result in some brainwashing after many, many repetitions. This also helps you focus your mind exclusively on what is important so that NONE of your energy leaks out into any unnecessary drama. Try this for at least four months and see what kind of behavior change occurs.
If you have difficulty with this, you may have a very good reason. I don't know your situation. But be sure you aren't addicted to the drama, or stuck on appearing right. Self righteousness is a seductive drug. There's a difference between being right, and righteous. Strategic rightness means you're focused on strategy and outcome instead of positions. BIG difference. Strategy and outcome, NOT positions.
Poise is about achieving balance of mind and body. It is excellent preparation for Psyching yourself for a challenge, and its part of tuning yourself up. It also adds to your dignity and power in harmony with the forces that affect you.
Poise Technique: Focusing for Poise
This technique helps bring the resources of your right and left brain hemispheres (see Reprocessing for more on this. Not right now though, it's a little long.) to bear on a problem that is making you feel out of balance. It tends to produce a relaxation you your stress about the problem to yield more resourceful, creative thinking. For more info on this see the book Focusing, by Eugene Gendlin, Ph.D.
Step One: Think about the problem. Get yourself into the problem, perhaps by imagining yourself in the situation or dealing with it somehow.
Step Two: Notice how your body reacts to the problem. How does it affect your breathing, muscle tension in various parts of your body, emotional reactions in your body, etc.
Step Three: pick the most obvious physical reaction, and describe it to yourself in detail. Describe the location, physical size of the feeling, whether it expands or contracts, pushes up, down, left, right, back for forward, whether it vibrates, pulses, flows, churns, or is still, etc.
Step Four: Place your mind in the center of the feeling.
Step Five: Ask your mind to come up with a word or brief phrase that describes the feeling. Then wait. Put aside each word or phrase that emerges until you have one that really hits the nail on the head. Take your time.
Step Six: Focus on the word or phrase that comes up. Now shift your focus to the feeling until you can really clearly feel it. Now shift back to the word or phrase until it is clearly in your mind. Go back and forth like this for a couple minutes. Notice how this makes you feel. Step Seven: Ask your mind to work on the following question over the next few days, in the background. "What needs to happen for me to be done with this?" Or something like, "What creative ways can I improve this?" Step Eight: Let your subconscious mind munch on this. When you have time or the reaction to the problem bugs you, do the Focusing exercise from time to time. Try it on other problems that bother you. See what happens.
Poise Technique: Basic Chi Kung Posture for Poise
Chi Kung can be a life-long study. It means energy work in Chinese. It is intended to improve health, emotional well-being and inner balance. When people do chi kung, they tend to find that it gives them a disproportionate amount of energy and balance for the energy they put into it. The following is a basic chi kung exercise.
Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, and parallel to each other.
Bend your knees slightly.
Have your pelvis positioned directly under your torso and relaxed.
Open your chest and the back of your neck in a way that gently elongates your posture through your torso.
Imagine that a point at the top of your head and just behind the center is hanging from a string that allows your body to become aligned.
Put a gentle, subtle smile on your lips.
Let your shoulders relax. Breathe gently, slowly and fully.
Pay attention to a point two thumb widths below your belly button and one and one half thumb widths beneath your skin.
Cycle through each of these positionings and awarenesses over and over again, one at a time. Try it for five minutes the first time and see how you feel.
When people begin doing this kind of work, they can open energy flows that cause discomfort because of physical blocks that are not yet open. If you have any difficulty, consult a properly trained person such as a yoga or chi kung instructor. Consult an appropriate medical professional for any persistent symptoms. The book Healing Awareness Through the Tao by Mantak Chia is also very helpful.
Poise Technique: Wide Angle Sensing for Poise
You can do this pretty much anywhere, except maybe when doing something dangerous, like driving. It seems to help one feel more balanced. It may have something to do with the way the brain hemispheres work together.
Become aware of your vision. Notice what is to the extreme left AND right in your vision (peripheral vision.) Now notice what you can hear. Listen for what is mostly to your left and right sides, whether close or distant. Do the same with your body. Feel what is most to your left and right, like along the sides of your torso, arms, legs, feet and head.
Poise Technique: Sensing Aspects of Vision for Poise
This is similar to wide angle sensing.
Become aware of any movement that you can see.
Notice the colors you can see.
Notice the dimensions or size of objects you can see.
Notice the space or distance between you and the objects around you
For more information and resources on Energy, Imagery and Awareness, see Methods Behind the Techniques: Energy Work.
Many people find energy techniques can, at the minimum, help them get into a good state or relaxation. They also often find that such techniques can help with their health, spiritual development, and general frame of mind. In therapy, energy may be a word used to describe various feelings of aliveness they discover as they reclaim their body awareness lost through trauma. Energy may also be an aspect of visualization done to help in problem solving.
The energy methods in this article are limited to short-term processes to help you get a feel for it, that do not require a belief in any type of energy system.
Energy is actually a gigantic subject with various options for learning more. Asian approaches to energy such as Chi Kung (Chinese for energy work) that focus on health, peace of mind, physical stamina and spiritual development are becoming increasingly popular in the west. According to Bill Moyers, in 1994 twenty million Chinese were doing chi kung, compared with a small number of people who held its secrets before Mao influenced Chinese culture in the fifties.
In the West, various approaches to using energy for healing have developed, including Applied Kinesiology and it's spin off Touch for Health, Polarity Therapy, Therapeutic Touch, and Thought Field Therapy, which also originated in Applied Kinesiology.
Imagery can be used in the form of mental rehearsal, to prepare for a challenge. It can also arise spontaneously from the subconscious to help people resolve emotional, physical or other problems. Imagery can be guided by trained professionals to assist in getting the most benefit from it. Because Western culture generally trains us to think in a style which excludes many of the resources of the right brain hemisphere, imagery work helps us think with more of our brain. It is widely believed that various therapies, including EMDR, rely on right-left hemisphere integration (using more of your brain) at least in part to achieve their effectiveness.
Imagery is often used in conjunction with body awareness work, energy work (whatever that means to you), and cognitive work (improving the way we consciously think about our lives.)
Super talk is my nick name for powerfully constructive self-talk, which people often use to improve their self esteem, happiness and success. It is an important part of cognitive therapy. Books by authors such as Tony Robbins, Albert Ellis and others cover ways to improve self talk and use it with other techniques. Examples: Psychocybernetics 2000, Ultimate Power, Reality Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy.
The comments below can help you use super talk and the super talk techniques in this article more effectively.
Ways to Make Super Talk More Likely to Stick
Super talk is not necessarily the same as affirmations. It works best if it is phrased in a way that your conscious and subconscious minds can accept. The tips in this section help with this.
Make it possibility based: Avoid the new age style "I now have a million dollars and a Caribbean island," affirmation. You're mind will have the least resistance to self talk that stresses real possibilities and directions. For example, "I can learn to increasingly be present and assertive around people who act like..."
Make it about you: Don't paint yourself into a corner with self talk that requires a certain way for things to turn out (like, "My ex- must never insult me again." Instead, think about your own internal development, as in "I can learn to relax as I increasingly enjoy developing my self esteem." Big difference, huh? Notice how differently you feel when you say each one. If the second one, about self esteem doesn't feel better to say, then you're probably hanging on too tight to the first type of belief to open yourself to a constructive direction. It ain't worth it.
Make it about the right state: throw in some language about behavior and how it should feel. For example, "I can increasingly enjoy (whatever the new thoughts and behavior are.") Make it gentle but directive: Instead of "I'll go to aerobics three times per week," try, "I can increasingly enjoy taking good care of my body."
Micro-steps are OK: if you don't feel ready to let go into positive thinking patterns, then what's the teensy-weensiest move you could make, just to get started and get a taste of it? Here are a couple examples: "I can translate my self-abusive statements into constructive statements one at a time," or "I can start to notice how I make myself upset, this is a first step toward having the leverage to enjoy more of life."
It's OK to get help: if your aren't good at this, talk about it with someone who has a handle on resourceful thinking and self esteem. A lot of therapists are aces at this (then again, a lot of them aren't...be sure to get a goood referral, or change therapists if you aren't satisfied.)
Ways to Make Super Talk More Powerfully Constructive
There are four key ingredients to making super talk build your self esteem and confidence.
The MOPS acronym:
M for Motivation: Recognize your constructive motivations for what you do. Think of ways to fulfill those motives constructively. (Example: If getting high is about altered states, learn to make altered states naturally. See the Zone techniques and methods for more on this.)
Violation: You keep trying to drive me crazy. (This is negative "mind reading." It presupposes the listener, usually a child in this case, has a bad motive for their behavior. Children aren't good at filtering out this kind of "toxic mirroring" and may grow up thinking they are fundamentally bad or inadequate.)
Alternative: You really need some attention right now, don't you? (This is open-ended, leaving room for the person to correct you. It presupposes a positive motive behind the irritating behavior. It fosters communication, confidence and trust.)
O is for Optimistic: Think of your future growing and behavior in optimistic terms. You can learn and grow and practice new behaviors.
Violation: You always (do such and such bad thing.)
Alternative: If you (doable action), I believe you can (do such and such good thing.)
P is for Permissions: Give yourself permission to be assertive and have challenging experiences.
Violation: You can't possibly confront that.
Alternative: You deserve to speak your mind about this.
S is for Support: Words are nothing without this. What actual actions and resources do you really need. If you are hanging with a major manipulator, then you aren't giving yourself vitamin S. Get your vitamin S form someone else. Hurry!
Violation: Pull yourself up by your boot straps. Be psychologically healthy with no outside support for it.
Alternative: Let's make sure you have what you really need.
Here and there you will find comments about things people sometimes overlook that may be very important to the problem they are addressing. Medical doctors and psychotherapists may be uneducated about the issues addressed. Of course, such comments cannot be taken as medical advice. Since they often relate to health, it is important to review any such new ideas with a properly trained health professional you trust.
Whether you use psychotherapy or health professionals, you make many decisions that affect your mind and body. It is important to have a broad base of knowledge about these matters, especially since professionals you may come across (perhaps when your health is at risk) may not have this information. Although the usefulness and accuracy of books on self health vary, the more you learn, the more you will be able to judge for yourself, and the better an idea you will have of who to trust when you must make important health-related decisions.
These comments are important to this article because health information often affects mood, mental clarity and energy level.
Here are the step-by-step guidelines on how to do it.
Step One: The Set Up
1. Think of the situation in which you want to perform at your best.
2. Decide what you really want out of the situation.
Step Two: Get Into the Right State
For example: to bring the best out of the other person involved, to perform at my best, to negotiate smoothly, etc.
1. Ask yourself, "How should this feel, really?" That means, how would you really prefer to feel in that situation. What feelings would bring the best out of you in that situation?
2. Ask yourself, "What words or phrases express the ways I want to feel in that situation?"
3. Ask yourself, "When have I ever felt anything like that...or like some part of that?"
Step Three: Amplify the State
1. Start getting that feeling by thinking of those past experiences and those words and phrases. Amplify the feelings just like turning a radio volume knob, only with your imagination you can amplify the brightness, the feelings, any aspect you like.
2. When you think you have gotten as much of the feeling as you can this time around (no problem if it isn't working well...people get better at this with practice), go to the next step.
Step Four: The Rehearsal
1. Start the mental rehearsal. Imagine the situation from third person (that is, as if your were watching a movie.) See your actions, voice, posture, everything expressing your perfect state for handling the situation.
2. If you don't like anything about how the fantasy goes, go back a few steps and imagine it over again. Keep fiddling with it until you like what you see.
Tip: If the fantasy seems to have a mind of its own, you have found resistance a part of you has to getting it right. For example, if you're hooked on your anger, you might have trouble letting to of enough of it to see yourself handling the situation diplomatically. Make sure you stop right there and really focus your higher intentions on this point and go over and over it until you like what you see. The same kind of thing happens if you get something out of being the victim.
Step Five: The Special Ending: This is Really Important!
Include this part of the exercise so that the part of your brain that thinks it should panic (and therefore sets your body up to act differently that you need it to) will get the idea that it can tone down the adrenaline and tension. This is not to indulge yourself in a silly fantasy, or to set yourself up for a disappointment (since ideal endings don't always happen in real life.) It is intended to affect a part of your nervous system which MUST COOPERATE in order for you to perform at your best.
Choice #1, Understanding: If you are dealing with someone emotionally upsetting and hurtful, consider this type of ending; Have them express a perfect understanding of your positive motives and intentions. In other words, they should say they understand why you are doing what you are doing--and explain it eloquently! This makes some people teary when they do it. What the heck, go for it.
Choice #2, Humor: If the situation seems overwhelming, or someone got your goat, consider this one. Move backward and forward through the fantasy, changing parts of it to make it really silly. Change what people are wearing, give yourself a Superman costume, make goofy things happen, whatever tosses your confetti.
Choice #3, Winning: If performance is your number one priority, as with sports, sales, testimony, etc., imagine the perfect outcome. Really get into the details of it. For example, see them handing you a trophy. Notice how it feels, its weight, the luster, the sound of the crowd, etc.
Flexible Guidelines:
Do this once a day (or twice.)
If you're too busy, do it when you're in bed, about to go to sleep, or when you first wake up. (Actually those are great times, anyway. You're subconscious mind should be munching on good stuff like this instead of the evening news!
If you go to sleep easily, then do the exercise sitting up. To stay on track, refer to each step on this sheet as you go, like a cue card.
Don't just do it once, keep the faith and try it for a month.
I mention sound products available through this site's Products section which can help with some of the techniques discussed. They combine various methodologies to assist in cultivating the appropriate state for the technique.
These methodologies include brainwave entrainment. Certain frequencies elicit moods that correspond to that brain frequency, because the brain tends to follow these frequencies (the frequency following response.) You may have seen relaxation tapes on the market that use this common approach. In the Products section, the methodology of each sound pattern is discussed briefly. The recordings also use evocative "sound matrixes" which resemble music, but evolve in a way that is difficult to become bored by after repeated listening. Some of them use a stereo patterns which appear to help use both sides of the brain. Personal Journey is an example. This is helpful for certain techniques, as indicated.
Many cultures use sound for healing, psychological or spiritual purposes in various ways. For information related primarily to brainwave entrainment, books and articles by Michael Hutchinson, such as Megabrain, are helpful.
Some of the exercises in this article seem, well, wacky. As you get to know the rationale behind them and how they relate to each other, this work can begin to make more sense. I try to give an adequate, but basic, explanation of techniques so they will be more inviting. I hope the "Methods Behind the Techniques" is also helpful in this regard.
A good example is the ridiculously positive ending used in certain mental rehearsal techniques. This may look like a metaphysical attempt to manifest an ideal result. In fact, the goal is to alter the way the reptilian brain (the ancient brain structure in charge of survival and the fight-or-flight response) handles certain stimuli in order to improve your performance.
Starting in 1972 I started getting involved in yoga, meditation, self hypnosis, and a bit of martial arts and energy work. I got involved in human services and counseling in college (got a bachelor's degree in social work) and stayed mostly in those areas. I also got the 1,000 hour certification in massage therapy at the Boulder School of Massage Therapy.
Later, I got my masters in counseling psychology and did a two and one half year training in Body Integrative Psychotherapy at the Rosenberg-Rand Institute. Along the way, I have gotten various trainings in subjects such as EMDR, TFT, hypnosis, brief therapy and other areas, while maintaining an interest in bodywork and energy. This involved helpful practices such as chi kung (Chinese energy work related to Tai Chi.)
I developed this guide because I have enjoyed mixing techniques from many of these practices to help clients achieve goals. I am especially fascinated by the way Taoist Yogic energy concepts can help therapy in very practical ways. An example of this is the use of physical points for dealing with excessive emotional arousal (see the Chill section for the Energy Points technique.)
I talk with therapists who have interests in energy and cutting-edge therapy, sometimes hosting discussion forums or trainings.
I became involved with sound by developing hypnotic recordings and when I began using a sound pattern I developed to replace eye movement in EMDR. I developed other sound patterns for various purposes, sometimes with a colleague. Those recordings are featured in the Products section.
© Robert Yourell, 1996, Revised 8/98